Hipster Jesus Unicorn

NOW ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS FOR ISSUE 3

THAT’S RIGHT. JESUS IS RELEASING A NEW ISSUE. IT’LL BE OUT JANUARY 1ST AND THE DEADLINE FOR SUBMISSIONS IS DECEMBER 21ST.

SECOND ISSUE OUT NOW. SCROLL DOWN BITCHES.

Murdoch LaMarche

I could discover a plant in Uruguay that completely cures aids
I could isolate a protein in plankton that could be made into a food
cheap enough to end world hunger forever
I could dedicate my entire life to helping the sick in some impoverished nation
I could write a book that completely changes everyone on earth’s life
for the better
I could commit to aiding in geopolitical discourse and help solve all
global disputes
But #disneychannelclassics is trending on twitter so fuck all of that shit

Murdoch LaMarche is a supervillain.

He lives at Murdochlamarche.tumblr.com. He’ll be your facebook friend. He has a twitter [@Murdochlamarche] but he doesn’t tweet.

FEATURED NOOB OF ALT LIT. KELLIE HOGAN.

Louis Stevens and the Ice Bucket of Destiny.

READ IT GUYS THIS SHIT IS GOOD AND KELLIE HOGAN ROCKS.

i live in canada and am 20 years old but feel and act 16 at best. my pride and joy is the magazine i co-founded with my best friend: inconnu (inconnumag.com)

Daniel Alexander

Michael Andrew

all day long
her cunt
or her arse
is being constantly eaten
by visiting carnival men

when she showers in the morning
her cunt is being eaten
as she takes her breakfast
whilst reading the morning news
her cunt is being eaten
she takes her exercise
as her arse is being eaten
a friend calls over for lunch
and her arse is still being eaten
she paints a portrait
of her deceased father
as her cunt is being eaten
eating rice and vegetable
looking out of her window
onto the evening scenes
her arse is being eaten

and as she gets ready to fall asleep
realising how alone she is
her cunt is being eaten

__________________

spring nocturne (for Simon Ash)

What difference would it of made if it was me, Simon, lying on the bank of that canal bloody, beaten and dying? A page from her garden bower of roses, ivy, buddleja…..  Breaking the surface of water a cormorant dives, the void left by its submersion is filled by the scent of spring and the distant sound of a dial tone.

__________________

the lack of light
drained my energy
to the point where
i was unable to authenticate
the veridical existence
of the pines
that shaded my house

in the end
i was dying of dying

_____________________

Q


huh last have the well
uses to really breaks off
she good out having were
andrea you strange well oh
she it played things they
again know book care you
very good monkey keep minute
just know are culture about 
there do asked one about

___________________

me
anxious
being
soft
and silent

oil change meat hooks
oil change
oil change meat tendrils
oil change
I’m sick

All these people

me/anxious/being/soft/silent

_____________________

A colossal statue looms over the coast line. The women and children collect driftwood and other beach debris. A cripple - sitting in the skeleton of a small fishing boat - plays a lute for the heavens.  The men break pass carrying nets and baskets of fish.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Michael O’Brien is currently homeless in the west of Ireland. His work has most recently appeared in, Shamrock, Have U Seen My Whale Press, Otoliths, Lyrical Passion, Phantom Kangaroo, In Between Altered States, Short fast & deadly, Turbulenceet.al. He can be found here: http://andywasacatholic.tumblr.com/

Tyler Langlois

renttandembicycles.com 

i made a list of things we could do this summer
but instead you broke up with me while you were 
on vacation a different country
i still have the page to rent tandem bicycles on the boardwalk 
bookmarked on my laptop
we could have rolled down really big hills and 
had a picnic
there’s a really big hill around the
corner from my house
its the same one we went sledding down together
last January

******************************

Smooth Jazz

I want to change the genre of all of the music 
in your itunes to smooth jazz
I want to de-alphebetize your dvd collection
I want to mess up your perfectly made bed
i want to laugh with you
i want to smile at you for no reason
I want to kiss your face
i want to lay with you 
hugging you for 48 consecutive hours
i want to feel like a 9 year old with you

666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666

i am dead in the fall

it is fall and i am dead in a pile of leaves in your front lawn
jump in the leaves and i will hold you with my dead arms
and kiss you with my cold dead lips
im sorry if im decomposing on your sweater
thats what happens when your dead

<><><><><»<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

my name is tyler langlois. i am a 20 year old boy from new jersey. i am straight edge. i like to write stuff. my tumblr isiamthelochnessmonster.tumblr.com

Chase Kersey

the amount of songs i listen to is inversely proportionate to the tears that i am collecting in the mason jar that i keep on my window sill

i want to be falling down stairs with you until the sun and the earth meet

there is a place that i’ve been that is not quite like other places

and i think you could sport a nice summerdress

and i could wear a summer suit

and we could go there in the winter time, because i don’t like any other season.

the snow would fall and ruin our clothes.

stop breathing for a second and talk to me.

i know there is a place where you dont have to breathe,

but i dont think you could get there with your current form

i think you’d have to alter your current form to get there.

i think i’d like to get to this place with you.

but i remain unsure, because i am not sure what i am leaving behind,

and also i am not sure what i am taking with me. 

________________________________________________________________

 killing in the name of (bugs)

i want to die and everyone who knew me to become glad.

bury me in a wheat field and let me decompose naturally.

let my carbon be inside of someone’s french fries at mcdonalds.

or let them be in flowers as a gift to someone who is sad.
 

throw me away as something rapid, something vapid.
 

when life stops being a trainride and more like a parasail journey

im sure people will want to be involved in more things rather than running.

if i could never run again, i would walk all the time, 

i would walk back and forth everywhere, and i’d never get tired of the ground.

thanks for giving me this smile.
 

i tried to be you once, but it didn’t make any sense because

i tried to see down inside of your eyes once, 

but it didn’t make any sense because they were closed.

people usually close their eyes when things are near them.

do you close your eyes when you are trying to sleep

even though it looks them same with them open 
 

dont look at me if you have ever killed a bug

thats why i dont own a mirror

Chase Kersey is a student, writer, tweeter who lives in Locust Grove, Georgia. His twitter handle is @poetic_hugs_ and his website is iwantyoutohurt.me

Austin Islam

if this is going somewhere let it go

i took a swig of wild turkey by the pool
offered me by an agreeable groomsman
smoked a second cigarette right after
i think elliott smith is my best friend
i think brandon flowers is a good friend
i think mike mogis would be too

if this is going somewhere let it go
or don’t, i don’t know, i don’t care
lmao i’m lying, nothing could be better
i am eating cracked pepper feta cheese
i am eating it with wheat crackers
when do i get to go home

i mean where is home
i mean what is home

i don’t care that i’m not a poet
if we die tomorrow at least we loved once
at least we buried ourselves in chemicals
every other weekend for three consecutive years
at least we realized that god is an invention
even if we meet him in the end

unplug my laptop and carry it around the house
holding it like a waitstaff tray
steaks on top, mashed potatoes, gravy
reverb every word i say from now til november
if you pull ahead of me that is ok
i am just here by myself, dying

__________________________________

austin islam is a gumball wizard
austincharcoal.tumblr.com
@didactcummings

Winky Luftlecker

In lieu of advice from my father or mother

I give myself advice

“Compete.

Feel other people cumming.

Spend your life’s savings.

Don’t give advice.”

The second point was the topic of my 7th grade science fair project

I created an apparatus to simulate the physiological 

Effects of a female orgasm on my own brain

The apparatus cost 320 dollars to construct which

I had earned by mowing lawns and begging

I set up my cardboard display next to the others in the middle school library and

Strapped the device on my head

There was a button for the judges to press to make me cum

The first orgasm was very intense and startling;

It felt like my phone going off in my pocket.

The second time felt more like putting on a brand new pair of socks.

After the demonstration, my home-ec teacher

Asked me what it felt like

I told her

“It felt like petting a guinea pig

###############################################

Winky Luftlecker is warm and soft and tweets (@winkyluftlecker).