Hipster Jesus Unicorn

NOW ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS FOR ISSUE 3

Fri, 23 Nov 2012 04:01:29 -0500

THAT’S RIGHT. JESUS IS RELEASING A NEW ISSUE. IT’LL BE OUT JANUARY 1ST AND THE DEADLINE FOR SUBMISSIONS IS DECEMBER 21ST.

SECOND ISSUE OUT NOW. SCROLL DOWN BITCHES.

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:56:23 -0400

Murdoch LaMarche

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:55:00 -0400

I could discover a plant in Uruguay that completely cures aids
I could isolate a protein in plankton that could be made into a food
cheap enough to end world hunger forever
I could dedicate my entire life to helping the sick in some impoverished nation
I could write a book that completely changes everyone on earth’s life
for the better
I could commit to aiding in geopolitical discourse and help solve all
global disputes
But #disneychannelclassics is trending on twitter so fuck all of that shit

Murdoch LaMarche is a supervillain.

He lives at Murdochlamarche.tumblr.com. He’ll be your facebook friend. He has a twitter [@Murdochlamarche] but he doesn’t tweet.

FEATURED NOOB OF ALT LIT. KELLIE HOGAN.

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:43:07 -0400

Louis Stevens and the Ice Bucket of Destiny.

READ IT GUYS THIS SHIT IS GOOD AND KELLIE HOGAN ROCKS.

i live in canada and am 20 years old but feel and act 16 at best. my pride and joy is the magazine i co-founded with my best friend: inconnu (inconnumag.com)

Daniel Alexander

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:43:04 -0400

college degrees

college degrees i would get if they were real

a college degree exclusively focusing on the geography of the legend of zelda: ocarina of time

a college degree dedicated for studying nickelodeon slime

a college degree teaching you how to cyber bully government officials

a college degree focused on the fashion of people in grand theft auto

a college degree over the different types of rapper laughs and grunts

a college degree concentrated on the different shades of pink used to color plastic flamingos that you stick in your yard

a college degree focusing on the dinner meals eaten by coca cola truck drivers

a college degree studying the different ways people throw their coins in fountains hoping that their wish comes true

a college degree studying the twenty third page of every stephen king book

a college degree specifically for studying lil b lyrics

rooftops

i can look out of my second story balcony and see rooftops

the rooftops look like pyramids

what if in every rooftop is a secret burial chamber that the house owners don’t know about

dwayne the rock johnson would have to go in and defeat the scorpion kings in every house

if he doesn’t the rooftops will explode and sand will go everywhere

it will be like in noahs ark except not water just sand

sand everywhere

its not a desert its just a beach with no ocean

my dreams of being in a world like the movie water world would have gone down the drain

i would hate living on an endless beach with no water

so please if dwayne the rock johnson knocks on your door looking like an egyptian badass let him into you attic so he can kill the scorpion king

daniel alexander is a 19 year old college student currently writing a book entitled RADDDDD. http://snckpck.com/

Michael Andrew

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:42:59 -0400

all day long
her cunt
or her arse
is being constantly eaten
by visiting carnival men

when she showers in the morning
her cunt is being eaten
as she takes her breakfast
whilst reading the morning news
her cunt is being eaten
she takes her exercise
as her arse is being eaten
a friend calls over for lunch
and her arse is still being eaten
she paints a portrait
of her deceased father
as her cunt is being eaten
eating rice and vegetable
looking out of her window
onto the evening scenes
her arse is being eaten

and as she gets ready to fall asleep
realising how alone she is
her cunt is being eaten

__________________

spring nocturne (for Simon Ash)

What difference would it of made if it was me, Simon, lying on the bank of that canal bloody, beaten and dying? A page from her garden bower of roses, ivy, buddleja….. Breaking the surface of water a cormorant dives, the void left by its submersion is filled by the scent of spring and the distant sound of a dial tone.

__________________

the lack of light
drained my energy
to the point where
i was unable to authenticate
the veridical existence
of the pines
that shaded my house

in the end
i was dying of dying

_____________________

Q

huh last have the well
uses to really breaks off
she good out having were
andrea you strange well oh
she it played things they
again know book care you
very good monkey keep minute
just know are culture about
there do asked one about

___________________

me
anxious
being
soft
and silent

oil change meat hooks
oil change
oil change meat tendrils
oil change
I’m sick

All these people

me/anxious/being/soft/silent

_____________________

A colossal statue looms over the coast line. The women and children collect driftwood and other beach debris. A cripple - sitting in the skeleton of a small fishing boat - plays a lute for the heavens. The men break pass carrying nets and baskets of fish.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Michael O’Brien is currently homeless in the west of Ireland. His work has most recently appeared in, Shamrock, Have U Seen My Whale Press, Otoliths, Lyrical Passion, Phantom Kangaroo, In Between Altered States, Short fast & deadly, Turbulenceet.al. He can be found here: http://andywasacatholic.tumblr.com/

Tyler Langlois

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:42:53 -0400

renttandembicycles.com

i made a list of things we could do this summer
but instead you broke up with me while you were
on vacation a different country
i still have the page to rent tandem bicycles on the boardwalk
bookmarked on my laptop
we could have rolled down really big hills and
had a picnic
there’s a really big hill around the
corner from my house
its the same one we went sledding down together
last January

******************************

Smooth Jazz

I want to change the genre of all of the music
in your itunes to smooth jazz
I want to de-alphebetize your dvd collection
I want to mess up your perfectly made bed
i want to laugh with you
i want to smile at you for no reason
I want to kiss your face
i want to lay with you
hugging you for 48 consecutive hours
i want to feel like a 9 year old with you

666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666

i am dead in the fall

it is fall and i am dead in a pile of leaves in your front lawn
jump in the leaves and i will hold you with my dead arms
and kiss you with my cold dead lips
im sorry if im decomposing on your sweater
thats what happens when your dead

<><><><><»<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

my name is tyler langlois. i am a 20 year old boy from new jersey. i am straight edge. i like to write stuff. my tumblr isiamthelochnessmonster.tumblr.com

Chase Kersey

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:42:46 -0400

the amount of songs i listen to is inversely proportionate to the tears that i am collecting in the mason jar that i keep on my window sill

i want to be falling down stairs with you until the sun and the earth meet

there is a place that i’ve been that is not quite like other places

and i think you could sport a nice summerdress

and i could wear a summer suit

and we could go there in the winter time, because i don’t like any other season.

the snow would fall and ruin our clothes.  stop breathing for a second and talk to me.

i know there is a place where you dont have to breathe,

but i dont think you could get there with your current form

i think you’d have to alter your current form to get there.

i think i’d like to get to this place with you.  but i remain unsure, because i am not sure what i am leaving behind,

and also i am not sure what i am taking with me.

________________________________________________________________

killing in the name of (bugs)

i want to die and everyone who knew me to become glad.

bury me in a wheat field and let me decompose naturally.

let my carbon be inside of someone’s french fries at mcdonalds.

or let them be in flowers as a gift to someone who is sad. 

throw me away as something rapid, something vapid. 

when life stops being a trainride and more like a parasail journey

im sure people will want to be involved in more things rather than running.

if i could never run again, i would walk all the time,

i would walk back and forth everywhere, and i’d never get tired of the ground.

thanks for giving me this smile. 

i tried to be you once, but it didn’t make any sense because

i tried to see down inside of your eyes once,

but it didn’t make any sense because they were closed.

people usually close their eyes when things are near them.

do you close your eyes when you are trying to sleep

even though it looks them same with them open  

dont look at me if you have ever killed a bug

thats why i dont own a mirror

Chase Kersey is a student, writer, tweeter who lives in Locust Grove, Georgia. His twitter handle is @poetic_hugs_ and his website is iwantyoutohurt.me

Austin Islam

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:42:38 -0400

if this is going somewhere let it go

i took a swig of wild turkey by the pool
offered me by an agreeable groomsman
smoked a second cigarette right after
i think elliott smith is my best friend
i think brandon flowers is a good friend
i think mike mogis would be too

if this is going somewhere let it go
or don’t, i don’t know, i don’t care
lmao i’m lying, nothing could be better
i am eating cracked pepper feta cheese
i am eating it with wheat crackers
when do i get to go home

i mean where is home
i mean what is home

i don’t care that i’m not a poet
if we die tomorrow at least we loved once
at least we buried ourselves in chemicals
every other weekend for three consecutive years
at least we realized that god is an invention
even if we meet him in the end

unplug my laptop and carry it around the house
holding it like a waitstaff tray
steaks on top, mashed potatoes, gravy
reverb every word i say from now til november
if you pull ahead of me that is ok
i am just here by myself, dying

__________________________________

austin islam is a gumball wizard
austincharcoal.tumblr.com
@didactcummings

Winky Luftlecker

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:42:32 -0400

In lieu of advice from my father or mother

I give myself advice

“Compete.

Feel other people cumming.

Spend your life’s savings.

Don’t give advice.”

The second point was the topic of my 7th grade science fair project

I created an apparatus to simulate the physiological

Effects of a female orgasm on my own brain

The apparatus cost 320 dollars to construct which

I had earned by mowing lawns and begging

I set up my cardboard display next to the others in the middle school library and

Strapped the device on my head

There was a button for the judges to press to make me cum

The first orgasm was very intense and startling;

It felt like my phone going off in my pocket.

The second time felt more like putting on a brand new pair of socks.

After the demonstration, my home-ec teacher

Asked me what it felt like

I told her

“It felt like petting a guinea pig

###############################################

Winky Luftlecker is warm and soft and tweets (@winkyluftlecker).

Joe Bussiere

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:42:25 -0400

theology bitch

reached
She said one of his students
Students said:
(Closed)

Food three-dimensional
most of puzzles
(C) dissolution

while the face
face
(Output)

uterus
from birth
(Internet Explorer has completely changed people’s lives, abortion)

The reduction to a
thank
but
free
(The focus is less a natural language)

bitter hatred of
Re-god
(Old theology of loss).

__________________________________________________________________

Joe Bussiere is a person who is 22 and makes poetry, music, and youtube videos. Blog at http://windbagstove.blogspot.com and also on twitter.com/saltdoor and on facebook and joebussiere.tumblr.com.

Marty McAndrews

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:42:18 -0400

your name is tattooed on the inside of my eyelids

your name is tattooed on my knuckles upside down

i found your name in the rings of a tree but not a tree the stump of a tree

your name was idling in my itunes search bar unsure what to do

not sure what to listen to to feel better or worse about things

your name is a flaming pentagram in a 7-11 parking lot just waiting for a ritual to happen

i would delete my blog for you but you wouldn’t even try and stay

when i said why are you crying you said why aren’t you crying

they wouldn’t let me edit your wikipedia page to reveal all the true things i found out about you

i made my okcupid profile name my social security number

my brain is a rich person’s brain but my body belongs to some fucking amateur.

tried to think of get rich quick schemes.

could only think of drug dealing/best selling novel.

what rhymes with klonopin?

i think someone is trying to KILL ME!!

i woke up from a sex dream this morning with a man standing over me.

he looked at me and didn’t say anything then DISAPPERD!

who would want to kill littl ol me??

in the dream i was having a threesome with two girls i know.

i was having sex with the one while the other one held her by her sholders.

i felt like i was sinking/melting/falling (not sure) and woke up clutching my penis.

it was the only wet dream i EVER had (shhhhh!!)

couldn”t get back to sleep beeeeliiiieeeeeve me!

the whole day i was just thinking like TODAY IS THE DAY

instead it wasn’t so bad!!

i made a casual encounters craigslist ad with your picture and i said that you wanted sex really badly like right now and when people responded i would tell them to meet you (me (no one)) at a burger king on 38th and i did this like 30 times and i thought about a bunch of horny strangers at the same burger king but then i got mad at you because people want to have sex with you but so do i

can we train ourselves to breathe underwater so i can watch your hair float for a long time down there, like longer than a normal underwater time

ugh. can’t even claim i’m misunderstood bc it seems like everyone on the internet understands me

try to imagine a lake…

…ok are you there yet? what’s the lake look like? it’s a nice lake, huh? i can bet.

what if i told you that lake is me? the lake is me.

ok now comes the hard part. are you ready…?

jump into the lake.

_____________________________________________________

I’m Marty McAndrews, a poet and basketball player from Austin

Moon Tzu

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:42:12 -0400

-stones-

so we sit in her back garden at night
well
you sit because the bench only has room for two
and i stand as she chain smokes (breathing grey onto black)
and complains about egotistical people
whilst admitting to having bought fifty shades of grey
i sigh and stand awkwardly with my weight all on one foot
and you will say something which would imply i am pretentious about
books
we all sigh and want to leave

——-

three haikus

I

you will not leave earth
you will be worms and soil,
soil and birds and leaves

II

come and visit please
i miss your eyes again
deep green peaceful eyes

III

you will help trees grow
and end up as dirt on coins
two sides to all things

Not really man. How about ‘Moon Tzu is a poet from England and also a
fan of ancient mountains, spanning megaliths etc.’

Link to my ebook.
http://moonmoontzutzu.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/mt-fuji-ebook-final.pdf

Pamilton Skyy

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:42:08 -0400

I have three pieces I’d like to submit:
1)
Streetlights

you cupped my misery in your hand and threw it into my face, splashing me like cold water.
“Buck up,” you said, “the worlds a bucket full of shit.”
breathing in it’s tangy stench I rejoiced that I had something worth breathing,
clarity.
I blinked.
you took my hand, interlaced fingers. One misery-drenched, both tearstained.
suddenly we became “We.” my. us. ours.
I faltered. slipped away. unbent my knees.
“No, thank you.” I said in a soft crescendo.

you smiled, your teeth filing into points while I watched.

2)
and yet-

we rock
simultaneously, but not cohesively
gone, but not forgetting
the shape of another.
like prodigal puzzle pieces given up
so worn at the edges
than any other will do
will fit, imperfectly
crashing closer
we slide towards what we accept and reach out with our fingers and toes.
on the balls of our feet
almost touching noses

our knees buckle,
and yet-

…

3)
BFA

splinters in my feet
infected, pus infused
from treading boards
I cough, try to speak around the maggots squished between my teeth
made from ill-motivated butterflies
eyes blink against skin and I’m drowning
flailing
but at least it’s in a pattern
at least it’s driven

at least i think i have a purpose

for a little while I think maybe this is it
maybe I’ll make it this time
I stumble
my hands blister on hot lamps
I tilt my head back
lick the tears off of my face because my throat is parched
and whisper
when sorrows come
they come not in single spies
but in battalions.

I hear applause, somwhere

I’m a senior Theatre Performance major at Baylor University. I’m originally from Fort Worth, TX. I’ve always loved to write poetry, and hope to keep submitting to Hipster Jesus Unicorn.

Moon Temple

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:42:03 -0400

i feel like i want to pull all my hair out

strand by strand

until i am bald

which actually probably wouldn’t hurt that bad

if you think about it

it would hurt less than getting all your hair pulled out at once

it’s physics, or something

it would be agonizingly slow, i suppose

but so is getting a tattoo

and tattoos hurt worse

than pulling all your hair out

strand by strand.

moon temple is nice

SECOND ISSUE OUT IN 5 MINUTES DONT POOP YOURSELVES

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:39:51 -0400

SECOND ISSUE OUT ON SEPT 17TH.

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 14:20:20 -0400

THATS RIGHT THE SECOND ISSUE IS OUT ON SEPT 17TH. ENJOY ALL OF YOU.

JESUS IS COMMING AGAIN WITH SOME GREAT LITEREATURE GUYS. YOU WILL LOVE IT.

Photo

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 02:47:10 -0400

ISSUE ONE OUT NOW

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 10:37:43 -0400

THAT’S RIGHT THE LORD HAS CUM AGAIN BRINGING WITH HIM UNICORNS OF HIPSTERNESS AND THESE AWESOME WORKS OF ART. ISSUE NUMBER ONE IS OUT NOW. JESUS AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY EVERYTHING AND ORGASM AT LEAST TWICE WHILE READING. JUST SCROLL DOWN TO BEGIN THE EXPERIENCE

HIPSTERJESUSUNICORN.TUMBLR.COM

Beach Sloth

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 10:34:57 -0400

Cock-blocking just got a whole lotCockier

Oh boy was he excited the day hadfinally arrived

He was going to make love to hissister for the ninth time

Was it incest? Who can tell? Notlike he believed in hell

He put on romantic music Slipknot tohit that spot

To amuse her he smacked the cockagainst a kitchen countertop

He was ready to regale her andimpale her

With his cocked cocky cock

The two went to the bedroom

They began jumping on the bed

Siblings joined them in an orgy ofsibling love

Everybody was naked

Everybody was touching everything

Suddenly

In walks the doctor and the doctorsaid

‘No more monkeys fucking on the bed’

()()()()()()()()()()()’U’()()()()()()()()()()()()

beach sloth blogs hard.